I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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