I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I need to calm my uterus...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
