i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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