guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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