I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
