I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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