You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
