I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
