I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
