God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
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My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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