My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
tell me about the eggs
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