Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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