The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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