I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
