Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
