Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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