I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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