Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
