She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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