I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
