we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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