We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
