She is in my trunk
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
