So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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