Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
