i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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