So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
