You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
