Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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