Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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