It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
