hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
