I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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