I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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