You're completely useless in the revolution.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
