my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
PANTIES FOUND
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
