I think my vagina is haunted
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
