So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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