My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i already hear my dad disowning me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
