Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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