Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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