i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
