I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
