how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
