if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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