so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
