Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
...so i touched it.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
