Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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