There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
