i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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