it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
