Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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