yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
