All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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