We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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