Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
