Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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