I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
