I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
