I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
