I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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